


3.14

by ChromeHoplite



Series: Erwin Smith, Teacher Extraordinaire [1]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: 90s references, Alternate Universe - Kindergarten & Pre-school, M/M, Playing Doctor, Teacher Erwin Smith, This isn't sexual, new kid in school, what's foreskin, your dick is gross
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-16
Updated: 2016-12-16
Packaged: 2018-09-09 00:33:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,838
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8868958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChromeHoplite/pseuds/ChromeHoplite
Summary: "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours."





	

Eren loved kindergarten. He loved taking the bus with his friend Armin even if the bus driver took the corners too sharply causing them to fly off the seat. He loved playing tag at recess with his friends, except when Hanji would change the game into kissing tag, (gross, girls have cooties). He loved lunch time and opening his Sailor Moon lunch box to dig into his dessert first (chocolate pudding- yum!) followed by his sandwich, carrot sticks, apple slices and snap peas (disgusting). Eren even loved his teacher, Mr. Smith, (who he secretly believed to be Freddy from Scooby Doo) and the way he read Robert Munsch books in the funniest of voices to him and his friends on the magic carpet. 

The only part of school Eren didn’t love was “Free Time”, because all he wanted to do was play House in the Little Tikes Cottage tucked in the corner of the classroom between the bathroom and the Arts and Crafts table; but nobody wanted to play with him. Mikasa didn’t want to, she preferred playing with Hot Wheels. Armin didn’t want to either, he was far too busy making his letters and painting maps for Mr. Smith.

Today Eren sat alone at the little table he shared with Connie and Historia, chin resting in his hands. He watched as his friends played blocs, did puzzles, made castles in the sandbox and crafted bead necklaces. He watched rather than played because he was in a timeout for hitting Jean in the nose. He tried to explain to Mr. Smith that it wasn’t Jean making fun of him for rocking Baby Alive to sleep with a lullaby that made him hit the annoying boy; it was simply that he’d feared that Jean’s loud horse noises were going to wake up his baby after he had spent so much time putting it to sleep. When he’d politely asked Jean twice to be quiet and the boy refused, he calmly put Baby Alive in her bassinet, gave her a kiss on the forehead, and then hit the boy square in the face. 

Mr. Smith took a seat next to Eren once all his classmates had left to go play outside. Eren thought his teacher looked kind of silly because the man was way too big to be sitting in a kindergarten chair. His legs alone came up to Eren’s head as they appraised one another from a seated position.  
“Eren, what did you learn today?” Mr. Smith asked him in a voice that was too soft to belong to such a giant. 

“That Jean is the bane of my existence.”

“Where did you hear that expression?” his teacher asked trying to cover up his laugh with a cough. 

“My mom says it to my dad when he wears socks with sandals, Mr. Smith.”

And rightfully so, thought the teacher. He had heard worse coming from his students; how Alex said that his dad didn’t like Mr. Smith anymore because his mother had called out his name while they were ‘wrestling’ at night, or how Suzy’s mom smoked a little cigarette and it took them four hours to get home from the movie theatre down the street.

“But besides that, did you learn anything else?”

“To not hit our friends.” 

“That’s right,” Mr. Smith bowed his head solemnly. “Now, you’ve missed out on a lot of fun today. It must have been pretty boring just sitting at your desk all morning.”

Eren kept his gaze downcast and nodded. He felt his eyes well up and saw the tears darken his light grey jogging pants where they fell. He still didn’t feel sorry that he had hurt Jean, but he was sad that he had disappointed his teacher. 

“Are you mad at me Mr. Smith?” 

He heard his teacher sigh, but it wasn’t the kind of noise his dad made when he saw Eren dressing up in his mommy’s clothes, or playing with dolls. It had an amused quality to it. He felt a large hand pat his head and finally looked up at Mr. Smith, green eyes sparkling with tears. 

“No, Eren. I’m not mad at you, but you need to make better decisions in the future alright?” Eren gave a coy smile, happy his teacher wasn’t upset. “You’ve apologized to Jean, and you can make it up to me by helping me out with something.”

Eren clapped his hands and stood up, ready to help Mr. Smith. “What can I do to help?”

The teacher glanced at his watch and made his way to the classroom door. “I’m expected at the principal’s office in a few minutes, why don’t you come with me?”

“Are you in trouble Mr. Smith?” Eren’s eyes grew wide and he felt his mouth drop.

“No Eren, we have a new friend joining us today, why don’t we try to make him feel welcomed together.” 

Eren followed the big man out of the classroom. They walked down the hall and Eren pointed out some of his favorite student artwork, then stopped at the water fountain to have a drink. When they reached Mr. Zackly’s office, a little boy with dark hair and a pout was sitting on one of four nearby chairs, swinging his legs since they couldn’t reach the ground. Even Eren’s legs reached the ground from those chairs, but only if he moved his bum closer to the edge. The new boy was clutching his backpack on his lap and Eren’s heart gave a start when he noticed a very familiar masked hero on the front. He shook with excitement where he stood as Mr. Smith took a knee before the little imp and held his hand out to him. 

“Are you Levi?” 

“Who wants to know?” Eren’s face broke into a grin, because the look on Mr. Smith’s face was priceless. It seems Eren wasn’t the only one to be taken aback by the boy’s brashness. 

“My name is Mr. Smith. If you are Levi, I’m your new teacher.” 

The severe-looking boy blew air into his cheeks, took Mr. Smith’s hand and shook it. “I am Levi,” he said simply. Mr. Smith nodded, got to his feet and poked his head into the principal’s office. Eren heard a woman’s voice (presumably Levi’s mother) and then heard Mr. Zackly invite his teacher in to join the conversation. 

“Who are you?” Levi asked dismissively. Sure, Levi was smaller than he was, but he looked kind of scary too, like someone had peed in his Froot Loops. Eren went to speak, but nothing came out. 

“Can you even talk?” Levi glowered. Eren nodded, but he instantly felt silly for doing so. Saying ‘yes’ instead of nodding would have proven that he could actually talk. Now the boy would think he was a liar or stupid. He cleared his throat and took the seat next to the boy. 

“I’m Eren.” He didn’t know what else to say, so he just kept studying the boy beside him. Since the silence between them grew uncomfortable, Levi looked away and stared at his shoes. 

“I like your hair,” Eren offered, trying to start a conversation. Levi simply hummed in response. “Are your shoes light-up ones?” he asked, trying again. This time Levi nodded, but still didn’t look at him. Eren bit his lower lip and screwed his face up in concentration, trying to think of what he would want someone to say to him if he was a new kid at school. He hopped off his chair and looked Levi over again and inspiration hit him. 

“I really really really like your backpack,” he said smiling a very toothy grin. 

“You don’t even know who it is,” Levi droned. 

“Of course, I do! That’s Tuxedo Mask!” he said eagerly. Levi’s mouth fell open and his face momentarily lit up. As though realizing he had displayed some forbidden expression, he fixed his face in a more neutral expression. 

Levi hopped off his chair, letting the bag fall to the ground. “You like Sailor Moon?” he asked incredulously as his eyes narrowed in suspicion. 

“No,” Eren said nearly bouncing in place, “I love Sailor Moon!” It was at that moment that Eren noticed Levi’s face change. Gone was the deadpan expression that didn’t really belong on a child’s face. His eyebrows relaxed, no longer drawn together in worry, and when he finally smiled, a little dimple made its appearance on the side of his face. Eren’s breath caught when Levi’s hands grabbed his own and swung them from left to right. 

“You’re going to be my new best friend!” Levi told him and he nodded his assent, noting that the new kid was super cute when he didn’t look like he wanted to beat you up. 

***  
If kindergarten wasn’t already great, it was amazing now that Levi was in his class! After his first day, Levi started taking the bus and sitting with Eren and Armin. He sat furthest from the window so that when the bus driver took a corner too sharply, Levi would brace himself between the back of his own seat and the one before him to prevent them all from toppling into the aisle. And now when they played tag outside and Hanji would bring up Kissing Tag, Levi would tell her that the only thing she would be kissing was his butt if she changed the game. And when Eren and Levi sat together at lunch, Levi gladly traded his clementine for Eren’s snap peas.

But the best part about kindergarten now was Free-Time because Levi loved to play House! Their role-playing was always just a variation of the same theme: Eren was the mommy who took care of the babies, and Levi was the daddy who cooked and cleaned. When the babies were finally asleep, the mommy and daddy turned into Sailor Moon and Tuxedo mask and fought the evil forces of the Negaverse. 

Everything was pretty good. Eren was a happy, Levi had adjusted well to his new school and Mr. Smith was ecstatic that he hadn’t had to deal with Jean’s parents again about the lack of supervision that led to their son being emasculated by a boy who played house. 

One day, when the boys were playing in the little cottage, Eren stuffed a pillow under his shirt and told Levi they were expecting a baby. They had never discussed how they had managed to come by all their previous babies, but since Eren had been curious enough to ask his mother at home about where babies came from, and got the standard “from mommy’s belly” answer, he felt it was an important detail to incorporate it into their play.

“You can’t be pregnant,” Levi said running his hand through his black hair. The look he gave Eren was one of utter confusion. 

“Why not? The baby is in my belly.” Eren replied a little offended, pointing to the bulge in his shirt as evidence. 

“You can’t have a baby because you have a dick.” Levi said crossing his arms over his chest. 

Eren clasped both hands over his mouth and sucked in a deep breath. “You said the ‘D’ word!” 

“That’s what my Uncle Kenny calls it. What do you call it?” Levi asked. 

“My ding-dong.” Eren replied nonchalantly. 

“That starts with a ‘D’ too.”

“Yeah, but it’s not a bad word,” Eren hissed, “my dad said your word was a bad word.”

Levi rolled his eyes at his friend and deposited the fake fruits and vegetables he had been planning on cooking for their dinner into a basket on the floor.  
“Eren, it’s not a bad word when you’re using it to say…” Levi said pointing to his privates. “It’s only bad when you attach other words to it, like dickhead, or dickcycle, or dicksmack.”

“Oh my gosh, Levi, you said three bad words in a row!” Both boys burst into laughter. When Mr. Smith poked his head in the little cottage window to see what had the boys in stitches, they waved him off and told him it was an indoor joke. Mr. Smith laughed to himself at the misused idiom. 

“So how does me having a… you know what, mean I can’t have a baby?” Eren asked still confused.

“I’m not sure,” Levi frowned and rubbed his chin, “all I know is that boys can’t have babies.”

“Oh,” said Eren, a look of defeat on his face as he took the pillow out from under his shirt. 

Levi felt crestfallen; he hadn’t meant to hurt his friend’s feelings. Both boys sat down on the little stools inside the cottage, willing the other to come up with a fun new game. 

“Wanna play Doctor, instead of House?” Levi suggested hopefully. 

“I haven’t played Doctor before, how do we play?” 

“You wait here, I’ll be right back,” he instructed before leaving the little cottage and returning less than a minute later with a little black bag. He dumped its contents out onto the table and Eren’s eyes took in a variety of tools he had seen in his father’s office: a heart-checking thing with headphones, a thing for around the arm with the ball attached to it, a thermo- thermomomoter, and a little hammer. 

“Do you want to be the doctor or the patient?” Levi asked. 

“My dad is a doctor, so I should be the doctor.” Eren answered evenly rolling his sleeves up to his elbows. He put the heart-checker headphones into his ears and then tilted his head to the side as he considered Levi. 

“I need you to lift your shirt so I can listen to your heart.” 

“But I’m wearing overalls.” Levi said flicking the buckles of his OskKoshes. 

“Well, I can’t listen to your heart through two layers of clothes,” Eren frowned. 

“Fine.” Levi bent his arms at an awkward angle and managed to get them out from his suspenders. He shimmied the top of his overalls down to his waist and lifted his t-shirt above his chest. “There.” 

“Thank you.” Eren placed the heart checker in the center of Levi’s chest and made thump-thump sounds with his mouth. When Levi looked at him, raising his eyebrows, his thump thump sounds went faster. “Sounds good,” he informed his patient.

Levi smiled letting his shirt fall and before he could put his arms through his suspenders again, Eren motioned with his hand for him to come closer. When he did, Eren cupped his own mouth and whispered in Levi’s ear: “I'll show you mine, if you show me yours?” 

He took a step back to take in Levi’s reaction. His friend shrugged, seeming not at all bothered by the odd request. 

“On the count of three, then?” Eren inquired. 

“Counting down or up?” 

“I can’t count down yet.” 

“Okay.” 

“One, two, three!” 

Eren grabbed his jogging pants and underwear and let them fall around his ankles while Levi yanked his overalls down. He looked wide-eyed at Eren’s privates and then up at his face tilting his head to the side and pursing his thin lips. 

“Um…” Levi started, not knowing where to look anymore. 

“What is it?” 

“Mine's different, I think.” Levi swallowed and then squished his eyebrows together as he squinted to see exactly how it was different. 

“Well, let me see yours, you still have your shorts on.” Levi looked down at himself still fully clad in his Rugrats underwear. He had been too distracted by Eren’s… to notice he had not held up his end of the deal. 

Levi took his turn pushing his underwear down and the moment it got below his bum, Eren gave a shriek of terror. 

“Levi! What’s wrong with your dick?”

“Nothing, it’s always looked like this. My dick is a-okay,” he replied defensively.

As far as he knew, there wasn’t anything wrong with his dick. It worked perfectly fine. He was able to pee with no problems, it tickled when he touched it sometimes; all normal dick stuff. But Eren’s was definitely different. And from what he could make of his friend’s grimace, it wasn’t good different. 

“But it looks broken.” Eren’s lips began to tremble and Levi couldn’t understand why he looked so upset. So what if they were different? Their hair was different too and so were their eyes. 

“It’s not broken! It works fine. There’s nothing for you to worry about, Eren.” 

“Then what’s that?” Eren said pointing. 

“What’s what?”

“That thing covering it. It’s not supposed to be there.” 

“It’s skin. What do you mean it’s not supposed to be there. If it’s there, I must be there for something.” 

“I don’t think so Levi. This is skin…” he said pinching his own arm, “and it doesn’t look all saggy. What if your ding-dong is melting? Oh my gosh, I don’t want it to melt, Levi! We better go get Mr. Smith to make sure you’re okay. ”

The fact that Eren was willing to get the teacher really made Levi worry. Eren didn’t even go get Mr. Smith when Levi had fallen off the monkey bars, or when he had forgotten his own lunch at home, or when Jean had slapped his back, told him he had cooties and then crossed his fingers so Eren couldn’t give them back. His own chin trembled and he squeezed his eyes shut, feeling the tears coming. He covered his face, not wanting Eren to see him cry, but he heard his friend crying already. 

It didn’t take a minute for both boys to be discovered by Mr. Smith, pants down around their ankles in the little cottage, crying and holding on to one another. After making them pull their pants back up, he dragged the boys out of the cottage so he could speak to them properly. 

“What on earth is going on? Why were your pants down? Why are you both crying?” 

Levi fell to his knees and cried harder while Eren sniffed, rubbing his friend’s back sympathetically. At this point, a small circle of their friends had come by to see what the commotion was. 

“M-Mr. Smith,” Eren stuttered, “Le-Levi’s dick is melllllllllllllllllllllting.” Levi’s sobs renewed themselves and Eren lost any self-possession he had. Nearby, they heard their friends gasp, some whispered something about Eren having used a bad word, while Petra started crying in solidarity with the cute boys and Jean was overheard saying: “That's what happens when you touch it too much in the bath.” 

“What? What do you mean, melting? Kids, go back to the magic circle and let me deal with Eren and Levi.” He hated having to use such an authoritative tone, but the last thing he wanted was a spectacle. The kids backed up slowly but didn’t turn around out of curiosity; after all, they had never heard of a melting, you know what. 

“The skin on it, Mr. Smith it’s covering eeeeeeeverything. You can’t even see the pipi hole.” Eren explained. 

Mr. Smith covered his eyes and dragged his hands down his face- they hadn’t taught him how to deal with this situation in Teacher’s College. He got onto his knees, because crouching down was starting to kill his thighs and he picked Levi up off the ground. By this point, the little raven was so distraught he was rocking back and forth in an effort to self-soothe. 

“Levi. Levi, listen to me,” he said grabbing his shoulders gently to still the little boy. “There is nothing wrong with your penis, okay?”

“But Eren said it’s melting!” he responded glaring at his best friend. 

“It’s not melting,” he said trying not to laugh. “It’s not even broken, you’re just not circumcised.” 

Levi’s eyebrows shot up and he pulled his neck back effectively gaining three chins. What language was his teacher speaking? 

“Isn’t that what happened to Jesus at Easter?” Mikasa asked from behind Mr. Smith. 

“No, that’s crucified, Mikasa,” Armin corrected. “But I’ve heard of circumcised before.”

“Fantastic,” Mr. Smith groaned under his breath. 

“Yeah, it’s the distance around a circle, that makes sense, because the distance around Levi’s penis would be…”

“A lot,” interjected Eren in a shaky breath. 

“No, Eren, circular,” Armin amended. 

“No, Armin, that’s circumference,” Mr. Smith pointed out exasperated. 

“Then what’s pi?” Armin asked. 

Mr. Smith cocked his head to the side wondering how he got from circumcision to pi in less than a minute. 

“Does Levi have pie for a penis? Let me see!” Sasha asked from behind her friends. Mr. Smith could see her trying to get a closer look and saw the disappointment in her face when she realized that Levi had his pants done up. He got up off his knees and stood a fair distance over all of them. He was grateful that Levi had regained his composure and he ushered all the kids over to the magic carpet. 

“Connie, grab the boy and girl dolls and bring them over to me, we’ll be having a short lesson on parts of the body,” he sighed, realizing that he was about to get a heap of phone calls from disgruntled parents; but the last thing he needed was for the students to try to spin some tale about Levi’s penis, Jesus and pie. 

***  
The dorm room was small, and the walls were littered with past memories plastered all over the place. A polaroid of two middle school boys in a kayak on a school camping trip, a stolen bus advertisement sign reading “Subway: Satisfy your Valentine With a Footlong”, old ticket stubs to various concerts and movies, a picture of Levi half-hanging out of the driver’s side of his first pick-up truck after passing his licence and Eren standing in the box with his arms up over his head exultant, a pair of carefully preserved boutonnieres from their prom, a letter of acceptance into sports therapy for Levi and one in engineering for Eren, a pictures of only their hands, one atop the other with matching rings and many cards congratulating them on their engagement. 

In the very middle of the collage of memories, a card drawn by a four-year old Eren with the message: “sory I tol u ur dik wuz meltig, xo Eren”, accompanied by a picture of a crying Levi with lava on his privates. 

Levi walked into their dorm room, towel around his waist, holding his dirty football uniform at arms length. 

“I have a craving,” Eren exclaimed upon seeing him. Levi tossed the soiled clothes in the hamper as Eren shut the book on his lap. The half naked athlete sat at the edge of their beds that had been pushed together (because dorm rooms weren’t generally equipped with queen-sized beds) and looked over his shoulder as Eren crawled over to him from behind. The engineering student wrapped his arms around his fiancé’s shoulders, feeling beads of water drip from Levi’s wet hair. 

“It’s literally ten p.m. on a Monday night, Eren. Everything is closed.” 

“Yeah, but I could go for pie.”


End file.
